I've got a foggy, smoggy morning.
No earthquakes, no riots, no mudslides.
A helluva day in Los Angeles. On the other hand, it's still early.
Steve Tatum here.
Don't forget, I'm MCing Hollywood's Christmas Parade tonight.
We always hold it just before Thanksgiving
to kick off the holiday season. Of course...
Found your hat.
- Is Daddy flying that airplane? - No, sweetie. Sorry.
Come along. Up the stairs, up you go.
I miss my friends in New Jersey.
I know, but you'll make new friends.
Fasten your seat belt.
It's a whole new world out here.
We have a new place at the beach, a new school for you.
Are you gonna make new friends, too, Mom?
Of course. There are plenty of nice, normal people here.
Morning, Tom. Hear the results of New York's Aqueduct today?
Otis, my man, I already lost.
Can you get this off my car? It scratches easy.
Who you gonna bet on at Del Mar?
Nobody, I'm broke. I'm going to work.
The Pacific Flyer to San Francisco departs on track four.
All aboard.
Relax, Julie.
I've lost my purse!
Your purse is on your shoulder. I swear...
No-loading zone, pal. Keep it moving.
I'll check on Carmel for you.
Ladies. I hopped into the cab after you and found this on the floor.
The driver said he'd mail it to you.
For heaven's sakes! We do not know the cab driver.
We certainly do not. We are from Memphis.
We do not socialise with foreign drivers.
That's the thing. He seemed very suspicious. He said it was yours.
You ran all this way to return that little bitty bracelet?
Ma'am, even an amateur gemologist like myself
knows the black sapphire is extremely valuable.
- But that's not our... - What she means is,
it's a gift for a friend, Sally-Lou, back home.
- Thank you. - Glad I could help.
He's so sweet.
Well, I guess I should give you a reward.
- God bless you. - God bless you. OK.
You're not old enough
for your own PIN number.
But Laura says I can get one in your name.
Bravo, bravo.
There was a fire at San Diego Youth Centre. I had to pull two kids out.
They're fine, but now I can't push the damn buttons.
- Help him, Papa. - Would you?
- You'd trust me with your number? - A fellow Greek?
What's the number?
Seven-eleven-four.
Don't flirt. She's a virgin.
Congratulations.
Damn it!
Now how do I catch a cab to the burns centre?
- How far is the hospital? - Beverly Hills. Is that far?
- We can give him a ride. - No, we don't have time.
You gotta have the cab fare. I insist. Yeah.
Efharisto. It's, like, 30 miles.
Sure.
- He's kinda cute. - Never mind.
- A trip, Madame Zema? - Would you like to know where?
I need a little more money...
Smile, Mrs Alcot, your favourite customer's here.
OK, 20, 40, 50,
51, 52,
pog-slammer,
57, 58, bus ticket to Fresno...
I don't want no bus ticket to Fresno, man.
...59, 60, 65. That's it, for now. I'm a little short.
You gotta grow, Tommy. As of today, you're short a grand.
I could sell my car.
It ain't worth that gumball machine.
It's over. Junior's cranky, dudes are moving in on his turf.
Tommy, you gotta quit playing the ponies.
Gloria. Come here.
- What? - Those guys are bottom feeders.
They got small-time written on their pants.
The guy in black, Webster? He's a loan shark.
- What's the other called? - Tom.
You do what you gotta do. Tonight, you meet us in the back of Zema's.
You don't have 1,000 bucks, get out of town.
Webster, where am I going to go?
You got a bus ticket to Fresno.
Help me out here. I'm a little stressed.
We've been tight a lot of years, but I can't keep covering for you.
Forget it, Webster. I got the skills to pay the bills.
That's my man talking, yeah. At Madame Zema's.
Tonight.
Here comes the Grand Marshal, Tony Danza!
I'm doing last-minute fundraising. I'm almost there.
Junior's coming. I can hear him. He wants to see you now.
- We're waiting for you at Zema's. - I'm not well yet.
Better to show up light than not at all. Get the lead out.
Don't be a kid-hater. Santa's kids. Thank you.
- Who are Santa's kids? - Santa's kids are everywhere!
Mr Baywatch!
And the mistress of the dark, Elvira.
There's an experimental treatment that Medicare will cover,
but I have no way of knowing...
Sister. Give me your address. I swear, I'll send you a cheque.
- No. - Please.
No. When little Junior's back on his feet,
I hope you'll do a loving act of kindness for someone in need.
A loving act of kindness?
Sister Charlotte, what are you doing?
Coming up will be Happy Days' Erin Moran
and Princess Elinor Donahue...
A round trip to New York. They were for our honeymoon.
She got this nasal disease. I don't even know what you call it.
They're worth, like, $1,200 each.
But we don't have 1,200!
I'd take less. Like, two?
20, 30...
- Not now, I'm doing a transaction. - How would you like to spread 'em?
LAPD. Merry Christmas, pal.
Of all the crappy deals...
Joanie!
Shouldn't you be arresting a drug dealer or a movie star?
Here's the man we've all been waiting for. Let's hear it, folks!
Case number 96-M 1-31-25.
You're next!
Mr Greek burn victim? Let's go.
The scars have almost healed. So, how's your daughter?
She's... Never mind! Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth
and nothing but the truth? If you get let off, I'll splatter your nose.
So help me God?
Yeah, sure.
Would you like use of the public defender?
I can handle this without a lawyer. I have a lot of courtroom experience.
- As a matter of fact... - Not with me. So settle down.
Don't make me get the hot brick. Proceed.
Your Honour, the DA's office wishes to file one charge of fraud,
but we believe this fraud may be just one of many.
It's hardly worth tying up this overburdened court system,
a system which though flawed, yes, it has flaws, is the best damn system
in the United States of America and maybe the world!
You can put an exclamation point by that, Miss. Hallelujah!
So, I'd like to be released now on my own recognisance, thank you.
Stop, turn, stay.
Now, Mr Turner, I don't see anything here
about past or present employment on your sheet.
I don't want to brag about my stupid accomplishments.
"I did this, I did that. " It's...
Your Honour, enough is enough. If he won't accept a plea...
- I suggest all charges be dropped. - Substantial jail time...!
One moment, Bob. Did you say, "Drop the charges"?
I think that was me, yeah.
"Drop the charges. "
Approach the bench. Please.
Do you get your pants custom tailored?
You probably have to, with a set of balls that big.
Drop the charges? What a set they must be!
Huge and shiny, I'll wager. I've always wanted balls like that.
Where did you get yours? We'll talk more later.
For now, get back to that spot!
Now, you can demand a trial
or in lieu of a plea, you can accept the recommendation of this court.
What this court recommends is that you, the defendant,
Tom Turner, AKA, Tom the Preacher,
Tom the Con and Tom the Worm,
you, sir, have one week to find a job.
A real job. Nine to five, five days a week, for a year.
Nine to five? That seems a bit excessive.
If this record showed you were selling drugs as well...
- His punishment is to get a job? - In my opinion, we should cane him!
Do you have any idea how hard honest, working people break their backs
to earn the dollars out of which you so blithely con them?
I implore you, take this opportunity to use the innocent apple-pie face
and the fine mind God has obviously given you,
for something better, for something decent,
for all the people whose trust you've crushed.
By the way, if you choose not to work, you will go to jail.
So, which will it be?
OK, so, it's jail or... What was the other one?
I hate the Post Office during the holidays. It's a zoo!
I've been here an hour to buy three stamps!
- I'm looking for Guy Turner. - Behind the yellow line. Got to go.
I just have a question. I've walked around here for 30 minutes...
You have to stand behind the line!
No, I'm not a yellow-liner. I'm here...
I cannot help you till you stand behind the yellow line!
- Next. - I've dealt with your type before!
- I will speak to your supervisor! - I almost had to help a customer!
I'm in Sorting. This is Monica. Bye.
- Hello, Monica. - Hi.
I'm having an extraordinarily crazy day. I need to find...
Behind the yellow line, please.
You're kidding, right?
- Listen to me! - God! Postal police!
No. We don't need... Cousin Guy.
How much postage for this bike?
Cousin Guy, I really appreciate you getting me this job.
The only reason I'm doing this is cos of your mom, you know.
Before she went away,
I promised her I'd look after you. So I got you in.
But if you screw up, I don't know you. You got me?
- I got you. - Meet your boss, Vladek Vidov.
Your cousin is very great man.
This is Barney machine.
Main conveyor belt for sorting all mail.
Salute to modern technology.
You know why they call it Barney?
- Cos it's purple? - You been here before?
- No. - Yes, purple, like dinosaur,
but bigger than dinosaur.
Ramon! No, no, please!
Safety first. No, no. Don't.
Don't do this. Please.
Sit. Sit. Descanso. Rest.
His first day as casual. The guys told him that "fragile"
is postal for "throw hard against wall and bounce into bin".
Mary, please, explain to Ramon what means fragile.
OK. Who's that?
Tom. Mary and Wendy, two of our best sorters.
- Right, we met upstairs. - They read difficult handwriting.
- What did you mean by casual? - A temp. Like you.
Which is why you did not have to take exam,
which is a ball-buster, pardon the expression.
We hire you for Christmas then let you go.
I'm sure the posh environment here has stimulated many a casual to ask,
"What if I wanted to stay longer? Maybe a year?"
A year? We'll see.
This is your new home.
- The DLO. - No way.
Yeah.
Everyone, this is Tom.
He's playing with channel changer, not gun.
That's Claudio Gomez, they call him Handsome.
And that's Dooly. Don't call him anything.
Idris.
Rebecca.
Lucille.
So, please, let's give him warm Dead Letter Office welcome. Come.
You know, I actually might...
Might be better off...
Vladek?
Coffee break! New guy gotta watch the office.
- It's tradition. - But I don't know how...
I'm on my break, sugar.
Come. This is your desk.
Idris, right? I'm not really up on religion.
Is this purgatory or did I die and go straight to hell?
Getting warm. This is the DLO, the Dead Letter Office.
All these letters are hopeless, lost, undeliverable, unreturnable.
We gather the dead, put them in boxes, put the boxes in bins.
- Are you just on for the holidays? - I'm two months from my 20th year.
Then I'm outta here, gone.
- 20 years? - Yep.
I couldn't raise my family as a musician.
Couldn't raise myself as a musician.
OK.
One year.
Piece of cake.
Bin A, if it's returnable,
which it never is, cos if Whispering Wendy can't decipher the writing...
No one can. Bin B. Blurred. Smudged.
Torn or, excuse me, just too cruddy.
Bin D, wrong address.
No return, wrong return. People who don't know where they live. Pathetic.
Bin E. No state.
No clue, no hope for you.
Ready to try, new guy?
Yeah, sure. No problem.
Let's see... Bin D. Wrong address.
Negatory. Not just wrong, but Bin B.
Smudged and torn.
- God! - Sugar, it's not that hard.
No. This is addressed to a Mr God.
Easy. He gets a lot. We put all the "Dear God" mail over here.
In the loony bin.
Bin C.
Subdivided into loony bin boxes. We got one for Superman, Elvis,
the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny and God.
And any kind of Martian.
All yours, new guy!
Now don't forget, Santa Claus has his own bin over here.
Don't nod at me on your first day.
I gotta get to know you.
OK...
Just cos you live across the street doesn't mean you can come and ogle.
- What's the new manager's name? - Gloria McKinney.
She created great new recipes for me.
Don't even think about it. You're not imposing yourself on that girl.
One Banana Karenina coming up.
Morning, all. Theo, one Colombian to go.
- Who's that? - Joey's mine and Josh is his friend.
Joey, nice-looking... turkey, Santa Claus-thing you got there.
- He hates Christmas in California. - Why's that?
Well, Jersey has snow and everything.
OK, time to go. It's late. Joey, I'll walk you to school. Get your coat.
Heard you got busted.
What? No. That was this acting thing I did.
A crime re-enactment for TV. A cable syndication thing.
I'm just a little curious. Does anybody buy your BS?
Lately? No. But I did get a job with the US Post Office.
Honest, I've been there a week. Even bought new shoes. Look.
- Nice. - Aren't those great?
I heard it was the Post Office or jail.
- How does everybody know my life? - Well, I knew about it.
- You know I work at the Post Office? - Yeah. We heard.
All our friends in Indiana know you work here.
Junior is afraid you won't make enough to pay him.
Tell him to take a Prozac. He can have my first paycheque.
Well, buddy, we know where to find you.
- Kirkland asleep? - Out like a light.
I'm a much better actor than those guys.
This guy can't act.
You ever read these Dear God letters?
No. Me and God have an agreement.
I leave His mail, He leaves my Soap Opera Digest.
- Are you a postal cop? - No.
"Dear God, we've gone on rent strike at the Normandy Arms
but we still don't have running water or hallway lights. "
"Before the winter rains come,
I'd like to cover the broken window in my boy's room with plastic
and somehow get hot water. Thank you, Lord, for your help. "
"Yours sincerely, Marguerite. 2F."
The eagle has landed!
- What've you got there? - Nothing.
What the hell's going on here? Is this a fire drill?
Excuse me. Hi. You mentioned the eagle. Is that important?
It is to me. After I crashed and burned as a lawyer,
I had to find something less stressful.
What we workaholics, yes, my name is Rebecca and I am a workaholic,
call a recovery job. I have my serenity and I'm still able...
I'm still able to do pro bono work.
Excuse me. But what does it mean, "The eagle has landed"?
That means it's pay day.
Whispering Wendy Smith.
Wendy Smith? No? We lost cheque.
You know, Whispering Wendy.
Hold on. Can't locate Smith? OK.
Dooly. Herman Dooly. Thank you.
Smith? OK, good.
What is with that guy?
Dooly's our other burnout.
Behind this one?
Dooly was a carrier. Memorised the entire Los Angeles phone book.
Then one day, he snapped. Bit a dog.
Ramon. Can I get to the Dead Parcel Room this way?
- Dead Parcel? - Dead Parcel. Where's Vladek?
Vladek is smoking!
Vladek?
Tom. Did you cash your cheque?
Yeah, I actually thought this would be a little more.
Gross. People think we swim in sea of gross
but we are caught in net of net.
Taxes. That's what everybody complains about.
- What? - That's what every... Never mind.
Come. I take you to Dead Parcel Room. Getting off.
Dead bracelets, dead Rolex...
And why is all this here?
All of this gets auctioned off but we cannot go. Why? Postal rules.
After all, if employees could bid on lost parcels,
there would be dramatic increase in undeliverable packages. You agree?
That is why Big Brother is always watching.
They deliver us from temptation.
- There's people scoping us out? - Sometimes.
Why sometimes? Am I asking too much?
No. This is Mr Addison's shift.
He's old, he naps.
- It's a problem. - It's not easy for old people.
You're good boy, Tom. Slow but good.
I want you to memorise and learn all inventory for tracing purposes.
Terrific! I was gonna ask, should I start in the back here or just...
Vladek?
Thank you, God.
That's not too gaudy.
- Tom? - Guys, where you been?
What are you doing?
I was just running a trace on something.
Well, hurry. Idris has to lock up. Tracing? What tracing?
I found this package in there.
A bunch of junk, really.
Some of it's kind of nice. It's going to Normandy.
Normandy Arms. 2... 2F.
I thought if could find the right...
I learned all this here, you know. Just find... There it is.
Nine-zero-zero-six.
"Tom, how did you learn all that?" I looked it up earlier.
Probably one of those stupid things kids are doing these days.
What are they called? Care packages. I'll send it out later.
Ramon is making his rounds now.
Perfect. That guy's like clockwork.
- Morning pick-ups. - That's very good, Tom.
Bring the dead back to life, like postal resurrection.
- Yes! - It's not that funny.
- No. Sucking up to the boss. - That's funny.
Come, we take coffee break. I buy you varushka.
Is Russian pastry, very delicious.
- Make your teeth sticky. - I'll buy, Vladek.
Let me get my cash. I'll see you down there.
Alright. Yes. I see you in eating place. Cafeteria.
Ramon?
What?
- You picked up mail from the DLO? - Yeah,
I fed it to Barney just a second ago. Right over there.
Get away! Get out of here.
Get off!
Wait!
Marvellous catch! Listen.
Let's say somebody accidentally mails a letter but it's in the building...
Once it's mailed, it's gone. Overnight!
OK!
Hold the truck, please. No! Mail mistake.
And now, our last Normandy Arms rent striker, Marguerite.
My name is Marguerite Duvalier. I live in 2F.
There are many, many problems here.
The worst thing is the security door.
There is no lock. It just swings open and closed, open and closed.
Please, come up and sign the petition.
Your signature counts.
Normandy Arms people unite.
It's our money now, not yours, copper.
So get lost, Five-0!
Do I know you?
- Mother! - No.
- Mother! - Yes, my baby, what is it?
Hi. We may have a slight postal problem.
A small investigation may be necessary.
No, don't worry, honey. We don't have to give back the money.
It was delivered already? I mean, money?
My mama needs the money, now get lost!
- It's official business, kid. - Quiet.
God is looking out for us.
Isn't he?
Right?
Yes. I mean, you know, I think actually I got the wrong building.
- Correct! - Correct. OK.
Cute. He's very cute. Adorable.
Very talkative. Thank you. Your son ought to run the rent strike meeting.
Kid buried me. Stupid hat buried me. Now Junior's gonna bury me.
- Marguerite. - What is it, Rebecca?
- You know that guy? - Who, him?
After Marguerite told me about you,
I started reading some God letters myself.
I would like to help you with your mission of mercy.
What's the best way for me to put this?
You are seriously deranged. I was not there on a mission of mercy.
I wasn't delivering money.
I was trying to get it back and screw over those poor people.
I saw how happy you were when that little boy looked at you.
You seriously don't understand.
I didn't want the money to go to that obnoxious, pushy little kid.
It was supposed to go to my obnoxious, pushy loan shark.
Sure. You mailed it by accident. That's right.
Complete coincidence that I'm advising tenants on a rent strike
and you just happen to be delivering Marguerite her money.
There are no accidents.
You did something good and selfless.
Together, we can make that happen again.
I wanna show you something.
It's a letter.
- It's in Spanish so I'll translate. - Is this long?
"Dear God, my little girl will be nine next week. "
"Doctors say it may be her last birthday. "
"All she wants for her birthday is to ride a horse. "
"I live in East LA. We don't have many horses here. "
"Angela doesn't ask for much and she is very brave. "
"Please give her this wish. Here is her drawing. Thank you, Juanita. "
She doesn't draw very well.
- Three eyes. - That's a nose.
- Isn't she sad? - No.
OK, she's sad. What do you want me to do about it?
Some poor soul asks God for a hand-out,
so I'm meant to produce a miracle? No, that's not in my job description.
OK. So, where do we start?
You wanna do this kid a favour?
I say we write her a letter back from God and say,
"Life sucks and it's probably not going to get any better. "
Maybe I misjudged you.
That's exactly what you've done.
No offence, Rebecca, but I got my own sad, serious problems.
No, that's fine. I'll take care of her myself.
Who said I needed your help anyway?
Dooly! Did you ever deliver East LA?
Course I did. Till that toad demoted me down to this pit.
Said I had an attitude problem. What's that supposed to mean?
Let it go. Do you remember any schools with the zip code 90022?
I remember more schools than that numb-nuts that took over my route.
I'll give you schools. Public. First Street Elementary,
Fourth Street Elementary, Hollenback Junior.
OK, Dooly, we'll get that on paper and I can find her myself.
Look, the sign says "Ride the pony". It does not say "Pose with the pony"!
It's a figure of speech! It's just a sign!
Look, Mr Eduardo is very tired. He's resting. He's very famous.
He was in Treasure of Sierra Madre. He worked with Humphrey Bogart.
You have to let her ride it! I paid you!
Look how happy she is sitting. Let her sit! This isn't a dude ranch!
Qué burro! She doesn't want to ride that.
It's a donkey, not a horse.
I know. It's an awful, awful donkey!
- I got a watch looking for a wrist. - I got seven watches. Look!
Your wrist needs a security alarm.
You can't take my money and not give me anything.
I'm giving you a passport to the wondrous world
of Ziggy's Petting Zoo. Now go pet Goosey Gander!
Alright, sweetheart, let's pet the goose.
Mister, your duck is dead.
- Dead? Gimme my money back. - She can still pet it.
- You don't understand. - Excuse me. Can I have your name?
- I beg your pardon? - Your name, please.
My name is Zigmond Decker.
As I thought. I'm Inspector Anderson, from the US Petting Zoo Bureau.
- We have a Bureau? - Yes, we do.
The rumour about the duck? It's alive.
Yeah? Look at that, pal. We've been investigating you, sleazebag.
- You were hustling this lady. - Thank God you came, Officer!
- Please! Step away. - Step over here. Hustling?
Does this look like hustling?
Here's your money. Is that hustling? Happy?
Listen, Zeitgeist, next time, I bust you and your pets. Dead or alive.
I know the badge is fake but I'll do anything to get rid of her mouth.
- Fair enough. - Kid, wanna pet a chicken?
- The duck moved! It's alive! - Come on.
- Olvera Street for horses? - She lives down the block.
I was going to take them to Griffith Park.
Forget Griffith Park.
You want a place with horses? I'll take you to a place with horses.
It's nice out here, right?
Trees, grass, stables.
I paid for most of it.
Good girl. Yeah.
I was right about you!
No, you weren't.
Good boy.
Yeah.
Well, I gotta go meet some associates.
Mr Tom.
I can't thank you enough. You are a very nice man.
- Hello, Tom! - Junior! This is all I got.
You won't believe what happened to my paycheque. Amazing.
- This won't buy my dinner! - That's for sure.
You're soft. If you're gonna welch on people, you should stay in shape.
Haven't seen you at the gym lately.
- Show time! - Tommy.
OK, here comes Mommy. There she is.
She's gonna take care of her little baby.
- Is that a racehorse? - No, honey.
That mother is an exercise horse.
- He owes me money! - He'll have it by Saturday.
I know him. He's trustworthy. He's from Indiana, bro.
We are so lucky to have seen that, aren't we?
Let's go find Tom. You got to ride a horse. We made that happen for you.
Didn't we? There you are! How'd the meeting go?
We wrestled with a few really bad ideas.
You missed the whole thing. She got to ride all around the track,
we saw the cutest baby horse, and the trainer gave her a souvenir.
OK, that's where Tom took us after the petting zoo.
- What's a petting zoo? - My apartment, every night.
That's the happy little girl. That's Angela.
That's the little baby that was born when we were there.
It's amazing how nature works.
Yeah, many animals stand up minutes after they're born.
- I don't think he's gonna make it. - It's a little girl.
I've done that before!
It's not easy getting off the ground.
But the momma's helping. It's a lot easier when you have a family.
- Happy Thanksgiving. - Happy Thanksgiving.
There he is. Tom.
Tom, we were talking, and we thought
that maybe there were more things we could do with the God letters.
- Why? - Cos I been here 12 years,
and all I ever thought about is lunch and clockin' out.
- So we want to help, Tom. - I really don't think so.
See, the haves help the have-nots,
and I hate to disappoint you, but we're the have-nots.
So what? There are a lot of reasons to do things.
And the best one is do it for God. He could use a little help.
Postal workers could use a better image!
Yeah. Everybody thinks I'll lose it and take 'em out with an AK47. Crazy!
They do it for God, we do it for the postal worker.
What do you say, Tom? Are you in?
Out.
- Did you really bite a dog? - Just in the knee.
As day ends, I wish those of you finishing up work now,
and those of you who will have punched out early,
a happy Thanksgiving tomorrow and a weekend of reflection
on how much we have to be thankful for.
You know I'm nuts?
I'm alright till I start thinking about these people.
Depending on me for their cheques,
hoping I don't deliver them a bill from the IRS,
or a kiss-off from a girlfriend, or a jury-duty notice.
Dooly, you're not nuts.
You know why? I don't care, that's why.
I used to care. I start to care a little, though, and I can't stop.
It's like with those addresses.
Or with catalogues. You ever tried to deliver all them catalogues
in them tiny mail slots they got in them apartment mail boxes?
You gotta fold 'em, put 'em in there nice for people.
For some people, that's the only mail they ever get.
Nobody ever said thank you, though.
Boy, you bite one dog and they don't let you up.
"Here comes Dooly. Woof, woof. "
You just can't care, that's all.
I care about myself. Everything else is just an act.
You come to the right place.
You know something?
Sometimes, I go for months and I don't look in a mirror,
and then I glance in one and I don't even recognise myself.
When I had my route, I'd used to look in this mirror every morning,
straighten my uniform, make sure I was sharp.
I knew everybody on my route.
I loved that route.
Don't get me wrong.
This don't mean we're like friends or nothin'.
No, of course not.
Yeah, well.
I'm gonna punch out.
They said you wouldn't use the seeing-eye dog, or even meet him.
Sorry I haven't been more often.
It's not the first time this year, is it?
It's just I've been busy. I'm doing some consulting.
Freelance. I have more work than I can handle.
Had to bring in a staff of 37 for the holidays. You believe that?
- Would you cut the shit, Tom? - Can't get anything by you, can I?
Never stops you from trying.
- Ma... - Like father, like son.
I want you to be proud of me. I do.
It's just, what are the odds on that happening?
Still gambling? Still playing the horses?
You know, I do actually have a job at the Post Office.
Cousin Guy set it up.
- I had a dream you were coming. - Please, Mom, no dreams.
You were with this woman.
She was not from the Midwest but she was nice. She could cook.
There was a kid, too. Who's that?
I have no idea, Ma.
Gerard.
This is my no-good son. Gettin' married.
Yeah, we've met. Congratulations.
Gonna take me to meet his wife at Christmas, right, Tom?
Yeah, Mom, that's right. I promise.
Ma, you haven't seen me in a while.
Check me out. Touch my face, the way you used to.
- Try it. I love when you do that. - No.
Come on, lighten up, it's the holidays.
Alright. Bend over here.
Yeah, you've changed... Tom! What have you done to yourself?
It's Gerard, Ma.
It was your son's idea.
- It was his idea. - Come here, you.
- It was his. - You got me, didn't you?
I gotcha.
"Dear Dad, Mom wouldn't let me wait any longer. "
"Meet us at Miniature Golf Land, in Santa Monica,
like you always do. Love, Joey. "
"Gloria, why are you here?"
"Me? I'm in the miniature golf tournament. "
God, that sounds bad.
"I saw you from the freeway. " No wonder I'm single.
- Hi. - Tom!
- Yeah. Happy Thanksgiving. - Happy Thanksgiving.
I went by the store
and I just saw Joey's note to his dad.
I didn't know he was back in town.
Just... I'm kind of in the mood to see a family playing together.
God, does that sound stupid?
Well, look, Joey's dad,
my ex, isn't coming.
Then why did...?
He showed up Thanksgiving a couple of years ago
and took us to play golf and so,
now Joey thinks every year he's gonna show up. But he isn't.
Well, do you mind if I join you?
I'll keep score.
Why don't you ask Joey?
- Hello. - Are you a stranger?
I'm that forgettable? You remember me!
- Tom? - Yes. Shall we make it a threesome?
You know how to play?
I used to. Kind of. I took it up on the weekends
when I got the urge to wear ridiculous clothing.
To tell the truth, I like baseball and basketball better.
But with baseball and basketball, if you gamble, you get big trouble.
So, that's why they invented golf.
Like most miniature golf courses on Thanksgiving, it's virtually empty.
OK. I'll hold your cotton candy.
- Definitely off his game today. - He's nervous. Or something.
I think it's too much cotton candy.
There it is! Good job!
Now?
OK. Ready?
OK. Do your thing.
I don't know why he's playing so badly tonight.
- Get in your proper stance. - Mom, I'm OK.
- I know. - Mom, I'm gonna do great this hole.
Mom, I am. I'm going to do so good, I bet you 50 cents I make it.
- Joe, we don't gamble. - Come on, Mom!
OK. 50 cents. And that's it.
Get in there! Get in there!
- I did it! - That is improvement.
Yes!
Great shot.
Probably just kid's luck. Wanna bet a dollar next hole?
Go get your ball, Joey.
You taught my kid to hustle.
Hustle! Miniature golf.
Miniature golf. What's next, tether ball?
I don't get it. Why else would you play the game?
For fun! You know, no salary, no bets, no angles.
You just play for the pure joy of playing the game.
- You mean like the Olympics? - Yes. Didn't you ever do that?
Not that I remember.
Olympic people end up selling their medals to pawn shops.
You are something else. Always working something. Like tonight.
- What about tonight? - You saw Joey's note to his dad.
You decided to come play the hero. Wasn't that your angle?
- There's no angle. - Come on.
There was no angle.
It's just not the easiest thing to be alone on Thanksgiving.
I'm not alone. I have my son, OK?
I wasn't talking about you.
Thanks for joining us tonight.
Why don't you come down the shop and have a latte? On me.
Thanks again and happy Thanksgiving.
So we're gonna try again, Tom.
- No. - Nine for God.
I am not in charge of the loony bin, alright? I'm not!
"I'm not. " He's not in charge of the loony bin!
OK, fine. Just so I'm absolutely clear,
this is about everybody wanting to be a hero, right?
Better than sorting.
When I get my audition, I'm gone. Till then...
The have-nots have got to do it.
The haves haven't helped anybody but themselves since the '70s!
And you all realise we can get in trouble for this.
How many laws does this violate, Rebecca?
- A lot. - Hear that? A lot. Correct.
- Tom... - What?
- More volunteers for God's work. - You've got to be kidding me!
Alright, we do one. But we've got to keep this quiet.
It would be really bad if I lost my job.
- Who's this? - She's Jane. She's hearing impaired.
Tom!
Hi. OK.
Mary, can you distract today's spy?
Distract? I am good distraction! OK.
Has anyone ever actually met the spies?
Hope we never do.
Idris, you pray the most. You pick one.
No. I'm one month away from the Promised Land,
and I'm taking no chances, thank you.
Let me do it, Captain.
My mother was a bingo caller at church. It's in my genes.
Our first miracle!
Let Lucille read it. She is the closest to God.
Lucille?
Out loud.
"Dear God, living alone this past year has been hell
and that's probably where I'll end up if you don't forgive me
for what I'm about to do. "
"I know it's a sin to take your own life. " Yes, it is.
"But honest, God, I feel my life is meaningless to everyone. "
"So on Sunday, I shall go to your place of worship
and then a final plunge at noon. "
Signed...
Jammy? Janey? Jean?
Let me see it. Let me see. Look how shaky the handwriting is.
It could be Jimmy, Jenny...
- Juanita. - José.
- Hymie. - Hymie?
So, we know it's either a man or a woman.
That's good. At least we know it's not a giraffe.
This one's too hard. Get an easy one.
Great.
The deaf girl wants quiet.
She's right. She said you tell us what to do, Tom,
- since you did it before. - No, I didn't do it.
Here, Tom.
I can't even... Wendy, can you...?
Can you decipher this?
It's a man. Jemi. He's older.
I think she said older man. Check the postmark.
Yep. 90401. That's Santa Monica district.
There's a cemetery there. There should be a place of worship.
- Good. We show this to the clergy... - Could be a mosque, synagogue.
- Right. Mosque, synagogue. - Write it down. Write it down!
You got your Baptist, Our Lady of Grace, Christian Science...
- Dooly, you were in the military. - Right.
Get one of those Santa Monica maps, coordinate everybody.
Reconnaissance.
An assignment. Right.
Temples and mosques on Saturday, then we do churches Sunday morning.
- I think I care again. - Are you gonna be alright?
One of our postal customers is in danger.
Thanks, Mrs Alcot, for letting us use your coffee shop.
Listen up, everybody. Alright. OK.
807,
Santa Monica, 9:30am.
At 9:40am, 672,
Wilshire.
When we serve a higher being, are we not, in truth,
in the highest sense, serving ourselves?
Jemi. Is there a Jemi something or someone Jemi in your congregation?
There'll be a day you need a saviour.
You think you don't need a master but you do!
And yet we don't need to see our eyebrows to know that they are there.
And we don't need to see the light to know that it is there.
And as we approach the holidays, we come closer to our families...
- Hang on! What? - People here want to contemplate.
You got it, Mrs Alcot.
Handsome, listen, I can't talk loud. People here wanna contemplate.
Contemplate!
Yeah! They buy one of them latte things and stare at each other.
When you go to sleep at night,
you believe you'll wake up in the morning.
What if you went to sleep and began to wonder whether you'd wake up?
Which brings me to Doubting Thomas. Our old friend Doubting Thomas.
He was lost...
Tom, listen. Wendy's got something.
Tom, you gotta hurry back here.
Wendy, I really need to hear this so speak up.
- What did you find here? - The letter has an S I didn't see.
- What did she say? - She found Jemi's ass.
He did a unique thing on the tail on "place". It's places of worship.
I didn't see the S because I didn't have my glass. Not place, places.
Several religious places in one compact area. Like the Vatican.
Does it even make any difference? We got 45 minutes.
Then somebody's just gonna die because we lost him.
I got it. But I'm not helping, I'm just hanging out.
There's a group of three-dimensional tableaux
put up by various churches in Santa Monica. Religious places.
They're right there.
Alright, Wendy, Rebecca, we'll check it out. You guys watch the phones.
Stop the car! Behind the manger, that's Look Out Point.
- We've no time to sightsee. - That's where people jump from!
- How do you know that? - Cos I dated a guy that jumped.
- What time is it? - Is it noon yet?
We blew it.
We blew our first miracle.
Is there a splattered body anywhere or has a car flattened the sucker?
I can't look.
No, I will look. I am good enough to look.
It could be Jemi headed into the water!
- Wendy, I actually heard you! - A plunge in the water!
That's him! That's gotta be!
Jemi!